how to make bird poop

In the hierarchy of animal droppings, bird poop stands supreme. Like the one guest that shows up to a black-tie event in a white sport coat, it shines bright in a crowd of brown craps. And whereas most excrement is left buried under grass or squished across sidewalks, bird poop chooses us, landing all over the place, including the hoods and windows of our freshly washed cars.

Bird poop begins its journey in the cloaca—the catch-all of orifices—where instead of urine, nitrogenous wastes are excreted in the form of whitish acid and are expelled at the same time as feces, splattering down as a frothy goo.

The volume of the droppings generally depends on the size of the bird, but the varying shapes are all physics. Most bird poop has the classic smatter, that heavy drop with a slight sperm-like tail. Other familiar shapes include the double-execution shot, the spiral galaxy, Philip Baker Hall eyes, the crater, the radish rose, the melted Dali clock, the wax postage seal, the two-dollar taco, and the halfhearted runny egg.

As a collective, the drops take on a feeling of abstract expressionism, channeling the drip paintings of Jackson Pollock. But in the end, the collage isn’t a multi-million-dollar piece of art: The uric acid can actually corrode the paint job on your car and cost you hundreds of dollars in body work.

It may surprise you that there’s real data on which cars get pooped on the most. A study by the UK-based auto company Halfords recorded the frequency of droppings and found that red cars received the most hits at 18 percent, followed by blue cars at 14 percent, and black at 11 percent. White, gray, and green cars only received minimal attention. The birds weren’t polled, so we don’t have a scientific explanation as to why red was so popular.

There are some certifiable theories, though. The birds may see red as danger or as a sign of something extremely delicious. (That certainly explains when and where I go to the bathroom.) But before you repaint your Corvette and burn all your Bulls jerseys, be aware that not everyone’s buying it.

“As far as I know, there’s no correlation between the color of a car and whether it gets pooped on,” says Geoff LeBaron, Audubon’s Christmas Bird Count Director. “Two things do seem to determine whitewash. One is if a bird sees its reflection in the side mirror of the car. Then the bird will sit on the door and attack its reflection in the mirror, and there will be quite a stream of droppings . . . And if the car is closer to a nest, feeders, or a roosting spot—yes, it’s more likely to be the recipient of whitewash.”

Using a measuring cup, measure out one cup of whipped cream and transfer it to a small mixing bowl.

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Squeeze the bulb while aiming the baster’s tip toward the area you wish to cover with faux bird droppings. This looks more realistic than just scooping it onto the surface because it creates a splatter effect.

Squeeze the turkey baster’s bulb and insert the tip into the concoction. Let the mixture to seep into the baster by releasing the bulb.

Measure out a quarter cup of black pepper and use a whisk to incorporate it into the whipped cream in the mixing bowl. The mixture should appear gray and chalky like bird poop.

It may surprise you that there’s real data on which cars get pooped on the most. A study by the UK-based auto company Halfords recorded the frequency of droppings and found that red cars received the most hits at 18 percent, followed by blue cars at 14 percent, and black at 11 percent. White, gray, and green cars only received minimal attention. The birds weren’t polled, so we don’t have a scientific explanation as to why red was so popular.

There are some certifiable theories, though. The birds may see red as danger or as a sign of something extremely delicious. (That certainly explains when and where I go to the bathroom.) But before you repaint your Corvette and burn all your Bulls jerseys, be aware that not everyone’s buying it.

The size of the bird generally determines the volume of its droppings, but the different shapes are all due to physics. Most bird poop has the typical smatter, which is a heavy drop with a tail that slightly resembles a sperm. The crater, the radish rose, the melted Dali clock, the two-dollar taco, the halfhearted runny egg, the spiral galaxy, Philip Baker Hall eyes, and the double-execution shot are some other well-known shapes.

Except, maybe you can. If youre lucky enough to catch a bird making a fresh poop, just mop up the present with some seltzer water and a microfiber cloth. (The carbonation helps break the chemicals down.) You can also buy specialized wipes that neutralize the acidity of the excrement. Or, go the Waymo route and add mini wipers to every surface of your car.

“To the best of my knowledge, there is no connection between a car’s color and its likelihood of being urinated on,” states Geoff LeBaron, the director of Audubon’s Christmas Bird Count. “Two things do seem to determine whitewash. First, if a bird spots its reflection in the car’s side mirror. After that, there will be a noticeable stream of bird droppings as the bird perches on the door and attacks its reflection in the mirror. Furthermore, the likelihood of the car getting whitewashed increases if it is near a nest, feeders, or roosting area. ”.

FAQ

What attracts birds to poop?

Bright red cars attract more bird droppings than vehicles of any other color, according research from Halfords.

What makes up bird poop?

While mammals excrete nitrogenous wastes mostly in the form of urea, birds convert it to uric acid or guanine, which reduces water loss in comparison. Uric acid thus forms a white sticky paste. So the white part is actually bird pee; it is the dark center that is the poop.

What can I use for bird poop?

A simple mixture of baking soda (2 tablespoons), dish soap (a teensy squirt) and hot water, spritzed from a spray bottle onto the droppings and left to soak for 10 minutes, should clear off most stingy bird crud.